another year
Thursday was my birthday.
It was a special day but not necessarily for that reason. This year, I officially became one year older then my sister when she passed away. It is an odd thing - not something that you talk about in public or with friends. But I suppose that is the way these things work. There are certain moments in time, things you experience, particular aspects of this world that remind you of the absence, the loss and the sadness.
But as with everything, there are two sides to every story. There are realizations, moments of pride and joy - places where you stop and appreciate what truly ends up being a circumstance of chance.
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I am always surprised by the things that stir up memories of my sister - avocados (one of her favorite foods) and lemon in beer (of which, she would add a revolting amount). Things like fuzzy pajama bottoms, songs from Schoolhouse Rocks, or seeing someone on the street who has her same blue eyes. But there are things that start to fade as well. I have lost the exact shape of her face unless I have a photo and the sound of her laugh ricochets around the edges of my memory.
There is this push and pull that is difficult to accept, and at times, extremely tragic or profoundly beautiful.
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Little known fact. I live in fear of cancer now - now that I have seen its work. And although my fear borders on hypochondria, each year that I get a clean bill of health is a year of appreciation. But somehow, in the recesses of my subconscious, this birthday had become a landmark, a place to reach - an accomplishment. And because I made it, I get the privilege and opportunity to chip away at the life I have built - to refine and re-prioritize what is truly important.
The one thing I will say about the loss of a loved one is that it can completely change who and what you are - both inside and out.
So on this occasion, I remind myself to look at more blue skies and breath in fresh air - to create artwork that challenges, entertains and talks to people. I remind myself to build a community of artists and friends that have hearts and souls deeper, richer and stronger than my own - to remind myself to work less and live more. In this year, I remind myself to speak my mind and never apologize - to fight the good fight. I remind myself to worry less about how others see me and more about who I am. I remind myself to travel more, sleep more, read more - to do it all. I remind myself of all this and so much more.
So, raise a glass, say a toast and celebrate one more year.